(5-minute read) – My two marriages have nearly driven me mad. One wife literally went demented. In her downward spiral to mental vacancy, I nearly lost my mind too. The other has the knack of taking me to extremes of passion and anger. But I’ve grown more as a person through my marriage challenges than through anything else in my life.
Wife one: Gina
Gina had Huntington’s Disease. Some faulty proteins ran amuck in her body, causing brain cells to die. As they died, she lost her ability to reason and understand herself or others. She became like a child again. Only she had the vocabulary of a sailor. And an unreasonable, childlike mind combined with a foul mouth makes for some pretty abusive relationship woes.
We argued about a lot of things. I would try to just walk away and stay calm, knowing full well there was a medical reason for her irrationality and aggression. And I got better at staying calm and surviving. But mostly her descent into dementia continued and there wasn’t much I could do or say to redeem any sense of normalcy in our relationship. Mostly it was all too late and inevitable – she hated me because she knew she was losing me.
Eventually I moved her to a frail care home, because the inappropriate behaviour was too much for our four year old daughter to witness. I’d visit her with our daughter twice a week, on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday mornings. Gina and I came to peace with her disease and with our relationship. The turning point was in the garden outside her room.
There was a circle of stones with a bench in the middle in the field outside her room. Sometimes we would sit there. It was a nice spot in the sun, especially in winter. I sometimes brought picnic food instead of going anywhere and we ate on the bench while we watched our daughter play. Gina once mumbled in her barely audible voice that she loved the circle of stones. It was a peaceful spot and I felt something special there too. It was in that circle one day that I wept bitterly… and experienced a turning point.
Through my tears I said, “I love you, Gina. I’m sorry that you’ve ended up separated from us.” I hadn’t held her in a while, but that day I could feel her bony, jerky body enwrapped in my arms, and I sobbed as I wished I could change her world. My heart softened and I loved her more than ever.
Wife two: Angie
Angie is healthy and strong in body and in mind. But, oh boy, she had a temper – I remember times when I thought I’d better duck to preserve the head on my neck. And, much to my shame, there were times she must have been scared of me too.
Once we argued violently. She said I was this and I said she was that. It was personal and ugly. She threatened to leave. I said don’t bother, as I grabbed my keys and marched out the house. I was fuming. Three beers and half a box of cigarettes later, I was feeling calmer… but still clinging to a dark pride that left me on the edge of an egotistical chasm of anger. When I got back, the house was locked and all the contents of my cupboard were on the driveway. I fell over the edge into that chasm. Hatred crushed what love was left in my heart.
Eventually she opened the front door and disappeared into our room, locking the door behind her. I gathered up my clothes and shoes, spitting to myself how quickly I would divorce her and leave her with nothing. That night I slept in the spare room. I fell asleep thinking how I would go about getting back at Angie – plotting my revenge to the accompaniment of my pounding heart.
I’m an early riser. Angie, not so much. But when I opened my eyes, I was immediately aware of a sniffling sound coming from our room. She was crying. For a few seconds the pride of triumphant victory swept over me. I had won. She was broken. But only for a few seconds.
“Dad, mommy’s crying.” It was Daniel, our six year old, standing in the spare room doorway with a distressed glint in his puffy eyes. Had he been crying too?
My heart went from stone to feather down in an instant. I had to get to her to put this mess right.
One look at Angie and I was crying too. We didn’t say much. We just held each other for a while. She’s so similar to me. As fast as we can explode, we forgive and come together again. It was only a short hug, but by the time we looked in each other’s eyes, all we saw was the home where we both belonged. My heart had softened and I loved here more than ever.
Soften your heart
Gina has passed. I know she’s out there still basking in the moment in the stone circle, still aware of that special moment between her and I that ultimately defined our life together. I know she’s watching Angie and I journey on as husband and wife.
Through it all, I’ve learnt the biggest secret to a long and happy married life: soften your heart. Again and again, remember your history together, rekindle the reasons for loving each other. The original love gets stronger and deeper as you survive the struggles, the fights and the dark times. With the passing years, you will look back and see the value of a long and happy life together… you will see it in each other’s wrinkled eyes and in the familiar expressions on your children’s faces.
Of course, there are times when marriage fails. There are times when relationships must end. And there are other ways to a happy life. But if you are lucky enough to have the opportunity to soften your heart, take it. Grab it with both hands. There are few better opportunities to learn the secret of a soft heart than through the challenges of a committed relationship. I know of no better way to a happy life.
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